Top Chef...Okay okay, I'll post something!

I admit the past few episodes have bored me to tears, hence no commentary. Fortunately crazy smug guy, Dale, got kicked off last week. This week's victim? Spike. No more wacky hats. Sigh. Not.

So the final four head to Puerto Rico to battle it out. Things are getting interesting, especially since I don't like Lisa or Richard, I think Stephanie needs to grow a pair, and Antonia rox my sox.

Top Chef, you're killin' me.

Last night's episode was a wash. I mean, come on! Tofu won? Richard? Dale? Blech! Those two are my least favorite characters. As a television viewer, I don't exactly get to taste any of the dishes, so all I have to go on is the egregious personalities of certain cast members and the judgment of the panel, and I don't like those two punks.

I was sorry to see Jennifer go home. She had a funny idea for a dish that looked good and sounded tasty. And she even cooked what she was supposed to, not some "interpretation." (Um, chorizo is not polish sausage.)

Wow, I'm starting to sound like a little old lady. I'm gonna go take a breather now. Oh, and Bravo needs to get their webmaster in gear --- the Top Chef page is a mess and the picture for Ep 7 is from 3 weeks ago.

El Cheffo Del Toppo, Numero Cinq

The judges awarded Dale the win for his tailgating food effort of barbecued ribs. While I didn't want him to win, I have to remind myself, it's only a challenge win, not the overall she-bang. Those of you readers just joining us, I can't stand Dale. I think him pompous and silly, the kind of person I have a hard time tolerating on television. He actually apologized to Lisa for yelling at her after the previous challenge (which their team won, by the way) but he kept insisting that she was a negative person. Some apology. "Uhhh, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I still think you're awful, Lisa..." Wow, were I Lisa, I would have ran my fingers through my disgusting hair then slapped Dale right across his smarmy little face.

I digress.

Loquacious Ryan got sent home for his inappropriate tailgating fare. He attempted to serve high-end cuisine to Bears fans. It's not that they didn't like it, they were just confused why he was serving a poached pears with creme fraîche dessert at a tailgate party. I'm kinda sad to see him go -- he seemed like a nice guy. My 10 cents.

Erik speaks

Okay, I don't dig his "tough guy" act, but I do agree with Erik when it comes to how much Rick Bayless and crazy Andrew both suck. I like Bayless about as much as I like Rachel Ray, i.e., not much. I like Andrew about as much as I like a scorpion in my shoe. Check out Erik's interview at chow.

Eau de Top Chef No. 5 (a.k.a. Buh-Bye Zoi)

Last night's episode was a doozy. Not only did Spike wear his most bizarre hat yet, the chefs were randomly put into 4 teams, each team based on the 4 elements, and told to cook a related dish for a charity event. Team Fire won the challenge with a spicy shrimp plate, but not after Dale and Lisa bitched and moaned for the entire episode. Lisa won for her wacky Asian-inspired hoity-toity bacon. Guest Judge Ming Tsai (hello, hottie!) awarded her the win because he said he really liked her innovative approach. I just wish Lisa would be innovative in the shower and wash her hair for once.

The two losing teams lost hard. For the Water Team, Richard ("Dough Boy") and his team made some scaly salmon that was apparently mushy and unappetizing. Ugh! It looks like an autopsy (see left). For the Earth Team, Zoi and her gang (which included immune Antonia, and "Hat Boy" Spike) made some bland mushrooms and a limp-looking salad. What irked me wasn't the food, but that Bravo (one of the gayest, if not the gayest channels) only showed Jennifer giving her partner Zoi a tiny little peck on the cheek goodbye when Zoi got kicked off the show. What gives?! Oh well, Zoi needed to go home--she apparently can't season her food. Such hesitation is never good in the kitchen. Although...I would have rather seen Richard go home last night. At least his ego got cut down a notch.

The most ridiculous part of the show? Not the scaly fish, nor Lisa's constant negativity. No, that honor goes to Dale, who actually grabbed his own crotch, gangster-style, when he was yelling at Lisa after the elimination! Who does that? I mean, really! Tiny Dale thinks he's ghetto? What?! I was almost on the floor laughing. Almost. I was too busy being confused.

Top Chef Ep 4: Let's just get this over with

Last night we said au revoir to Manuel, that boring guy nobody noticed until he got kicked off the show for going along with Hat Boy's universally-panned Vietnemese-themed dish for the Film Food Challenge. Each contestant picked a partner, then a movie, then a dish based on that movie. Spike and Manuel picked Vietnamese cuisine first, then chose, yes, Good Morning Vietnam, as their movie. Why? Because Spike's specialty is Vietnamese. It must have hurt extra hard to be in the bottom 2 teams for cooking one's specialty.

Richard, everyone's favorite pink croc model, won the challenge for his team's take on Willy Wonka, thus insuring the world will not go another week without at least one badly-coiffed dude on TV. I've actually decided to call him Dough Boy. And Andrew, another arrogant little man, I've decided to call Monkey Boy because he's always hopping around. He actually wanted to dress like an Oompa Loompa to serve the Willy Wonka dish. I think he should have; then he would have gone home instead of Miguel. I mean Manuel.

The judges simply weren't impressed with Spike and Manuel's dish. They actually said it tasted like something one could get in a neighborhood restaurant for $8. Ouch. I'll be honest, even the plating looks boring on this one...

Top Chef: Contestant #3 go Bye-Bye

I'll admit the first few weeks of any "reality" competition TV show are kinda boring. A large group scrambles to perform various tasks and one gets the boot for whatever dinky reason the judges deem plausible. It's probably why I don't bother writing these episode blurbs until the night before the next episode airs.

The most recent challenge was to divide into 2 groups, "raid" people's houses for ingredients, then prepare said ingredients for a gourmet block party for the people who had their kitchens raided.
Erik (of the Red Team) made Corn Dogs with Homemade Pomegranate Ketchup & Spicy Mustard. While that sounds really fabulous, the dogs got soggy between the time they were made and the time they were served. C'est la vie, Erik. You seemed like a cool guy, dorky cap notwithstanding. We hardly knew ye.

One final note: Will someone puhleese tell Richard it's not okay to wear a faux-hawk after the age of 25 (he's 35)?

And it's never okay to wear crocs, much less pink ones. I don't care how avant garde you think you are in the kitchen.

UPDATE: After reading Booklahver's comment, I realize it's not so much Richard's age that bothers me about his hairstyle, it's the ridiculous ego which he "hides" behind his "cheeky" haircut that gnaws at me. He's jerky on the show. He's not one of those "nice people with an unconventional hair style." Sure, outer appearances count! But one's inner self and personality are what make you who you are.

Ta-Ta For Now, Valerie

Valerie was the 2nd participant sent home from the Top Chef kitchen because she made a batch of black olive blinis with mascarpone that just didn't keep well and apparently weren't very blini-like according to the judges.

That's too bad because I thought the other team did worse -- they made a turd-looking mushroom dish that was apparently cold and unappetizing.

Note to self: never serve a dish that looks like poop at a zoo fund raiser. People may mistake your creation for something the monkeys dragged in.

Top Chef is back

Season 4 of Top Chef started last week. The competitors began their battle with a deep dish pizza contest. They finished out the hour by making classic dishes like lasagna and souffle. Nimma (left) was sent home because she over-salted her shrimp scampi. I felt bad for her, especially after she admitted her father hadn't been proud of her desire to be a chef until she was accepted as a contestant on the show. Ouch. I'm watching ep. 2 tonight and will post thoughts/reactions later.